Aug 1, 2010

I'm so confused right now. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm scared.

Today it's one year since I arrived in Seattle, since I first went to Lake Stevens, since I first met my host family. I miss them so much. I can't believe that I don't know when I will see them again, I want to go back right now and freeze time. My heart hurts. I miss my friends, both those that I was with almost every day, and those I was texting with through the entire year.

I don't know what happened last night. I'm not that type of girl. I don't lose it like that. I'm the one that makes good grades and stay home and watch movies while drinking yet another bottle of water. I'm the good girl. To quote Kade Hudson in Bride Wars (I just watched this movie):

"I'm not this girl. I just don't screw up, I just don't get demoted. It's like I don't have anybody, I feel so alone. And it's exhausting having to try to be perfect all the time. That's how I held it together ever since I was a kid. I figured nothing-- Nothing bad would happen again if I was just one step ahead of everything and everybody all the time. It's like a whole new me. And I just-- I cry all the time. I'm kind of a basket case."

I'm scared and I feel all alone and I'm afraid to go out of my room because I feel like somebody will yell at me and I can't take any more right now, and I will start crying again and I don't want my family to see me like that. It's not their fault, and I don't want them to feel like they're second best because I miss my American family. And I don'twant my friends to feel like I don't love and appreciate them for everything they've done for me just because I really wish I was with some other friends of mine now but I can't because they are spread out all over the world, and it's all so confusing, and I don't know what to do! Maybe I'm just crazy, completely losing it. Dear God, what did I do to deserve this feeling?

♥ The Norwegian Teenager

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a teenager with thoughts

a teenager with thoughts

19, rland

This is an anonymous blog by a Norwegian teenage girl. I may reveal myself someday, but for now my identity shall remain unknown for those of you who do not already know who I am. I'll explain all of that later. Please leave a comment so I can see you've visited, in whichever language you prefer!