Defending Your Outside From Your Inside

When I was younger, probably around 8th grade, I had a habit of taking on a defense pose. You know, the kind where you cross your arms over your chest when standing straight up and down. I remember now being asked about it back then, and I remember just shrugging as a reply. The past couple of days, I've been thinking about this again.

Boyfriend and I were lying next to each other and just kidding around. Something made me cross my arms over my chest, jokingly, and he said "Oooh, defensive!". Since then, it's been swirling around in my head, and I cannot make it stop.

I know now the reason for my defensive poses in my early teenage years. It's not a secret that I haven't exactly had the best or most of friends, I wasn't exactly prom queen or the popular teen in any sort of way. I've been betrayed a lot, people have proved themselves not to be trustworthy too many times in my life. I trust too easily, they break my trust. It's been like a broken record that someone insists on keep playing.

That's not the part I've been thinking about, though. Somewhere along the line, I dropped my defensive pose. And I've been trying to figure out when, why, and how that happened. My guess would be 9th grade, somewhere in the fall or early winter.

Why, you ask? Because something happened then.

I found out about MySpace. I became a MySpace user. I also listened to more music. Music that I liked, not that everybody else listened to. I distanced myself more from the people that had hurt me, the people that could hurt me.

My selfesteem began to rise.

Now, at the age of 18 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days, I will say I am a confident, young woman. I have accomplished things. I am accomplishing things. In two months, I'm graduating from high school. I've been accepted to a CC where I will spend a year studying photography, an interest I've had for years and been told I have a talent for. My grades are good. I have family that loves me. I have friends who love me. I have a boyfriend I am hoping will stay in my life even when times get tough, and he's already stayed with me through one of those so I have confidence in him and this relationship.

I am an individual. I am a person whom I am proud to be, whom I like, a human being that don't care what others think of me as long as I like who I am and am myself. I don't do what others tell me to do because they say so; I do what I need to do, what I feel like I have to do, because that's what's right for me. That does not make me selfish. I know it may sound like I do things for me, myself, and I, but that's not true. I do, but I also do things for others. What I mean to say is, I don't let myself be manipulated into doing something I don't want to do. I do something because I want to, that being for me or for people I love or for complete strangers.

I can be an egoist. But I can be an altruist. And I'm trying to be a good person.

In 9th grade, Internet and music helped me get up from the ditch onto the ground, and I'm reaching for the stars. That being said, it was not merely a positive thing.

Distancing myself from the people that have or may hurt me, has also caused me to be careful with letting people into my life. Whenever someone's on the inside, they seem to not like what's there. And when they've teared down my walls, I spend forever building them up again. And you want to hear the irony here? They're not even really on the inside. They've only began digging on the surface. And they can't handle what they find.

To quote Marilyn Monroe: "If you can't handle me on my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

What I'm trying to say, is... I may be defensive. I may be hard to be around because I don't open up and I don't share too easily. Therefore, I need to say how grateful I am for those that stick with me even though I am defensive; my friends... I am so grateful to have you in my life. Please don't go away, or I might have to start all over again. I don't want to do that. Boyfriend... You are different, different from the others. Please stay different. It's part of what I love about you. And please stay, because I don't want you to go away.

I want to build bridges, not walls. And I'm trying. But I can't do it on my own. I don't need anyone new, I need what I have already got. I want what I have already got. I love what I have already got. And that's all that matters, isn't it?

But still, I yearn for more... I guess, I'm just sort of a basket case. A defensive, hopeless basket case... And what do I need protection from? Not the outside. People are good people, for the most part. I'm defending myself from me. I am what hurts me. I'm separating myself... From me. The people that can't handle me... That's a lie. It's I that can't handle them, I push them away, I'm scared to let them in.

Thank you, for not letting me scare you away. Thank you for being the special, brave, not-giving-up ones. Because that's what I need. And I hope I can return some of the favor in some sort of way, someday...

♥ The Norwegian Teenager

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a teenager with thoughts

a teenager with thoughts

19, rland

This is an anonymous blog by a Norwegian teenage girl. I may reveal myself someday, but for now my identity shall remain unknown for those of you who do not already know who I am. I'll explain all of that later. Please leave a comment so I can see you've visited, in whichever language you prefer!